Posted By Charley Brady on Jan 12, 2015 | 2 comments

Canadian Misery:

Tusk

(2014)

As unlikely stories went, I thought that I had done my duty by not only hearing about Baby Jesus for the thousandth time but also in sitting down to the movie Horns just a few days ago.  However, whilst I could – given time and inclination – have made a case for that strange movie, I have no intention of doing the same for writer/director Kevin Smith’s Tusk.  As the young ‘uns would say, it is what it is; and what that is can be filed under vile, gross and stomach-churning.  Oh yeah:  and the cardinal sin, without which all other sins can’t be forgiven:  it’s really not very funny!  [Are you noting the subtle way that I include a Christmas message in this review?]

Wallace (Justin Long) and his pal Teddy (Haley Joel Osment, his cute days as a child star far behind him) are repulsive creatures who have inexplicably found success through their weekly podcast which basically makes fun of poor unfortunate sods who are short a couple of brain-cells.  Oh, wait; this is a planet where no-talents from the Big Brother house go on to fame and fortune – so there’s nothing inexplicable about it at all.

During a research trip to Canada where we learn that Canadians like hockey and hear a few ‘jokes’, Wallace finds himself abducted by serial-killing lunatic Howard (Michael Parks).  In the first of several amputations he learns that it is Howard’s dream to make a human walrus to replace the creature that he was once shipwrecked alongside.  Or maybe he’s just a sadist; I neither knew nor cared.  Wallace was pretty hateable, anyway.

That’s about the level of humour you can expect, by the way.  Wallace is being turned into a walrus – and oh! Wait until you hear this!  He has a big goofy walrus-like moustache! Isn’t that the funniest thing you ever heard?  No?  Me neither.

Teddy and Wallace’s girlfriend Ally (Génesis Rodríguez) set out to find him and… honestly, you can make up your own mind after that if you want to see it. It is obviously ripping off Stephen King’s excellent Misery and coupling that with the absolutely nauseating pointlessness of The Human Centipede.

And yet I sat through it until the end!  Well, there were a couple of reasons for that.  One was the utterly gorgeous Génesis Rodríguez.  Now I know what you’re thinking:  surely this idiot didn’t sit through the entire film just because he found the leading actress a stunner?

Well, apart from the fact that I really am that shallow and apart from the fact that this daughter of a Cuban mother and Venezuelan father has the best bone structure I’ve seen in yonks, there was another reason.   And that was a really bizarre acting performance that we were treated to when alcoholic ex- Quebec cop Guy LaPointe turned up.  I’m serious, this has to be seen to be believed; and standing out like a sore thumb in this movie is the fact that he’s funny! (And has a big walrus-like moustache.)  Had they made a mistake?  I had to wait until the end credits to find out.  Unfortunately he’s billed there as…Guy LaPointe!

A quick Google search took me by surprise by revealing that he is in fact one of my all-time favourite actors, appearing unbilled and so I won’t spoil the surprise.  It’s not the first time he’s done this to me.  Also, his daughter has a cameo appearance, proving that she is the spit of her beautiful mother.

And as it turned out the credits were worth waiting for, as they play over an achingly lovely version of the traditional song ‘O Waly Waly’ (‘The River is Wide’) from Gerard Way.

So Tusk is in the end kind of/maybe worth giving a glance to.  Perhaps your sense of humour is different to mine.  It was out on DVD on the 30^th December, having gone down the tubes at the box office – an ideal late present for someone you hate.